Extracurriculars

Season 4 Episode 4: “Cousin’s Night”

INT. THE GIRLS’ LIVING ROOM - DAY

CHARLOTTE hurries down the stairs to find ELLA and NINA sitting relaxed on the couch. Nina is unphased, flipping through a “Vogue” magazine as smoke fills the room from Ella’s joint.

CHARLOTTE

Does anyone know what they’re wearing yet?

ELLA

(takes a pull)

Nah.

CHARLOTTE

Is that a joint?

ELLA

I’ve had a long and hard day.

CHARLOTTE

Jesus. We’re supposed to leave soon.

CHANEL enters from the kitchen, very chipper with a freshly baked tray of desserts in her hands.

CHANEL

Anybody want cake?

CHARLOTTE

Well, for the love of God, please give one to Ella. She needs it badly.

ELLA

I promised myself I would eat a vegetable today.

A beat.

ELLA

Okay, gimmie it.

Ella takes the cake with her hands, even though it is clearly meant to be eaten with a fork and knife. She is double fisting a cake and a joint, looking very unwell.

NINA

(grabbing the cake with her hands)

What kind are these?

CHANEL

Tres Leches. My mom used to make them for me all the time.

Chanel returns to the kitchen.

NINA

(chewing)

Yummy. Char, where have you been all day?

CHARLOTTE

Oh, just on the phone with my mom.

NINA

And?

CHARLOTTE

Well, the cops think my dad might have ended up in sunny sunny California!

A silence comes over the room. Ella makes a puckered face and hands her joint to Charlotte. Charlotte takes it, reaches for a cake, and sits down next to her.

CHARLOTTE (CONT’D)

I desperately need to go out tonight.

NINA

(stands up)

Well, this might call for a celebration! Turn on “Chronic”!

Charlotte laughs as they put a heavy metal rock band’s music video on the TV at full volume. Four middle-aged men, one being Charlotte’s Dad, are in grunge black and white aesthetic on the screen. The girls are still on the couch, bopping along to the out-of-place music. Chanel storms back in.

CHANEL

Do I hear... “Chronic”?

NINA

Cops think Char’s dad could be in sunny sunny California.

CHANEL

Oh.

Another awkward silence fills the room.

CHARLOTTE

I think I want a shot.

NINA

Well then, let’s get you a shot!

Chanel immediately gathers shot glasses and a bottle of Pink Whitney.

CHARLOTTE (CONT’D)

To Paul! And to his new wife with new tits! And to his new daughter! Oh, and to all the money he stole from my mom. I wish him well as he happily spends it all on strippers in sunny sunny California!

All the girls cheers “to Paul” and huff back a shot. Chanel looks like she just swallowed a lemon.

A beat.

CHANEL

I’ve heard the traffic sucks there anyway.

NINA

Yes, Chanel. The traffic does suck there.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Patrick and Sebastian are sitting in the front row of a first-year Photoshop class. Everyone surrounding them is clearly 4 years younger. The prof is an older man who has a voice that makes you want to fall asleep.

PATRICK

(whispering)

Apparently, Harry has his cousin coming up for the night.

SEBASTIAN

I didn’t know he had a cousin.

PATRICK

Dude, everyone has a cousin.

SEBASTIAN

Not necessarily.

PATRICK

Name one person who doesn’t have a cousin.

SEBASTIAN

Jesus.

PATRICK

Like Jesus from Jerusalem? Born in the stable? Son of Mary?

SEBASTIAN

Pat, what other Jesus would I be talking about?

The professor drops the chalk and we hear it hit the aluminum holding tray. The class starts profusely taking notes. The two boys look around and try to listen to the professor, as it seems important.

PATRICK

But ya, her and her friend are staying with us for the night. Harry’s aunt is freaking out about us keeping her safe. You know how those private school moms can be.

SEBASTIAN

Oh ya, that's going to be fine. How hard could it be to make sure two girls don’t get into trouble? It's only one night.

PATRICK

They are like 16…

SEBASTIAN

Ya, we’re probably fucked.

PATRICK

We’ll talk to him when we get home. How much time’s left in this anyway?

PROFESSOR

… My wife is divorcing me because apparently, I’ve been spending too much time on my origami. But you see, she wants to take the kids and I just don’t think that's fair. Half of the time, I give my origami creations to them. You see, happiness is measured…

SEBASTIAN

When I signed up for first-year Photoshop class, I wanted an easy A, not a sob story.

PATRICK

He’s almost finished. Ready to turn on the charm?

As soon as the prof dismisses the class, Patrick and Sebastian shoot up from their seats. Patrick makes his way over to the prof, while Sebastian goes to every TA and shakes their hands with a two-hand grip.

PATRICK

(to the professor)

Extremely sorry to hear about your wife and kids. Now tell me, how did you get into origami?

Patrick is nodding his head, pretending he is in full amazement of the prof’s habits.

SEBASTIAN

(to a TA)

Oh yes, very serious about Photoshop. I recently switched my major because I felt there was an artistic passion involved in creating posters…

INT. THE GIRLS’ FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

Ella comes downstairs high as a kite to see Charlotte and Nina fully ready, standing by the door.

ELLA

What time are we going to the guys?

CHARLOTTE

Like now. Where the heck is Chanel?

(yelling)

Let’s go!

ELLA

(to Nina)

Shit, I can’t find my shoes. Can I borrow yours? What size are you?

NINA

7.5

ELLA

Wow, okay fatty.

NINA

What? Fat doesn’t go to your feet.

ELLA

Tell that to your fat feet.

NINA

What size are you?

ELLA

7

CHARLOTTE

Damn, you’re right, that's a good size.

CHANEL

(off screen)

Nina?

NINA

Ya?

Chanel enters the room.

CHANEL

How long do I have to cook the pro-shoot-o pizza for?

CHARLOTTE

You are cooking right now? We are leaving!

NINA

(in a perfect Italian accent)

It’s Prosciutto.

CHANEL

Pro-shoot-o.

NINA

(in a perfect Italian accent)

Prosciutto.

CHANEL

Pro-skoot-o

NINA

(in a perfect Italian accent)

Prosciutto!

A beat.

CHANEL

...Pro-shoot-o.

Charlotte starts sniffing.

CHARLOTTE

Chanel, I smell fire.

CHANEL

(off-screen)

I promise it’s not me.

CHARLOTTE

Chanel, I think it’s you, babe.

INT. THE GIRLS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

NINA

(pointing)

Curtain, curtain, curtain!

The curtain is slowly going up in flames. The girls are running to put it out. Charlotte grabs a broom while Chanel is fanning it with the baking tray, making it worse. Chanel then chucks the Tres Leches at it.

CHARLOTTE

Why the hell is the curtain on fire?

NINA

Oh my god. Ella. The joint! You actual moron!

ELLA

Relaxxxx, we don't know it was my joint.

NINA

UH? Ya, we kinda do cause who the hell else smokes in the goddamn house!

ELLA

Oh shut up, Nina. I don’t say anything about your pee-flavoured candles!

NINA

Are you actually talking about my candles right now? They never lit the house on fire!

ELLA

That’s it. I’m not going out tonight.

Nina gets a bucket of water and throws it on the fire.

CHARLOTTE

Ella, come on.

Ella storms off.

NINA

(yelling with a fast Italian accent)

And for the record, it’s called Acqua di Parma La Casa Sul Lago and my Nonna sent it to me!

CHANEL

What does that mean?

NINA

(still yelling)

I don’t know!

INT. THE GUYS’ KITCHEN - NIGHT

The group is hanging out in the kitchen watching EMERSON and HARRY play a slow game of beer pong against Sebastian and SAM, Harry’s cousin. Sam and her friend BROOKE are already pretty drunk, clearly more drunk than everyone else. Brooke reaches for a bottle of vodka from the empty-can-filled table.

PATRICK

Here, let me get you some chase for that.

BROOKE

Only bitches use chase.

She giggles and takes a drink straight from the bottle and then passes it to Sam, who does the same. Patrick looks disgusted and petrified. He slowly slides his juice across the table and pretends he’s drinking straight alcohol too.

The two girls stand on top of the table and start dancing. Sam grabs Emerson’s hand and tries to get him to dance.

EMERSON

(straight face)

Oh. No, thank you.

She continues to raise his arm and force a dance move.

EMERSON (CONT’D)

(concerned)

Guyysss? When are the girls coming?

INT. THE GIRLS’ BEDROOM HALLWAY - NIGHT

Chanel, Charlotte, and Nina are outside Ella’s room with their ears pressed to the door.

CHARLOTTE

(knocking)

Ella, will you please come?

CHANEL

Oh my god, guys. Marvin just texted me.

NINA

Chanel, don’t you dare reply to that.

CHANEL

I’m gonna reply.

CHARLOTTE

Oh my god, Chanel. If you reply, you are going to cry and we don’t have time for that!

CHANEL

Well, everything isn’t always about you Charlotte!

Chanel storms into her room. Nina follows her and knocks on the door.

NINA

Chanel, will you just come out and talk?

Chanel opens the door.

CHANEL

No.

Chanel closes the door.

CHARLOTTE

(knocking)

I’m not dealing with this shit tonight. Ella, open the door.

NINA

Char, calm down for a sec.

CHARLOTTE

If anyone deserves to be in a pissy mood, it's me.

Ella opens her door.

ELLA

What's with all the… ruckus?

CHARLOTTE

Good to see you feeling better.

ELLA

What’s going on?

CHARLOTTE

(annoyed)

Marvin texted.

ELLA

Which one is Marvin?

NINA

I don't know; I thought we were still in the Jack phase.

ELLA

You mean Jacob?

NINA

No, Jacob was the one that kept calling her mommy. Jack was the one who puked in the Uber.

ELLA

Wait, then who was the one that kept calling her blue after she wore a blue dress one day?

NINA

That was Elliot. Or maybe Matt? I can’t remember now.

ELLA

No, Matt was the guy who wanted to pursue a singing career.

NINA

Right. Did he ever make it?

ELLA

Hell no. He called himself white cherry. He sucked.

They hear Chanel crying. The girls look at each other with a “what are we gonna do with this” expression.

INT. THE GUYS’ KITCHEN - NIGHT

Sam and Brooke are progressively getting drunker. They dance on the kitchen counter as the guys stand by dead sober, watching them with concern. The girls hop down.

SAM

Brooke, are you ready to go?

BROOKE

Ya!

HARRY

Uh, where are you going?

The girls start collecting their drinks and purses.

SAM

Our friend Liam is at this party, and we promised we’d see him.

HARRY

(whispering to Patrick)

Pat, we can’t let them leave. My aunt will crucify me.

PATRICK

Okay. I got this.

PATRICK (CONT’D)

(to Sam and Brooke)

Listen, if you guys leave, we will never find you. You will get stabbed. You will get taken into a white van. You will get killed, and then your mother is going to kill me and Harry. And personally, I would like to avoid that. I enjoy living right now. It’s not all that bad. So sit down, shut up, and get this Liam guy out of your head.

Pat looks at Harry with a “that’s how you take care of business” expression.

A beat.

BROOKE

Well, Patrick, either he comes here or we go there.

The guys look shocked at the ultimatum.

INT. THE GUYS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Patrick pulls Harry aside into the living room. Harry is clearly stressed.

PATRICK

Okay look, it's better this guy comes here. Then we can control and monitor the situation. Plus, maybe Liam’s cool.

HARRY

Pat, I don’t like it.

PATRICK

I got this man. Trust me. What could go wrong?

HARRY

(hesitantly)

Okay. I trust you.

INT. ELLA’S ROOM - NIGHT

The girls look annoyed. They crowd around Chanel as she sobs into her bed.

CHARLOTTE

Look at the bright side. I mean, at least you have a dad?

CHANEL

(sobbing)

Can we cool it with the dad jokes? I’m crying over here.

NINA

Guys, Emerson is calling again.

ALL

Don’t answer.

INT. THE GUYS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

EMERSON

Why aren’t they answering?

PATRICK

Everyone shut up. The eagle has landed.

SEBASTIAN?

What?

PATRICK

He’s here.

Emerson opens the door to reveal LIAM, a blonde skater boy who looks like he hasn’t eaten in two weeks and is visibly drunk.

LIAM

What's up, dudes?

EMERSON

Welcome. Come on in and take a seat.

Emerson walks Liam into the living room, with Patrick and Sebastian following in a single file line. He takes a seat on the couch, where Harry is already waiting. He is positioned in the middle of Patrick, Sebastian, Emerson, and Harry. Harry can’t stand to look at the guy. He gets up to grab a drink from the kitchen.

PATRICK

Love your Tony Hawk hat man.

LIAM

Thanks, man!

A beat.

SEBASTIAN

So Liam, are you in school?

LIAM

Ya.

PATRICK

What are you taking?

LIAM

(proudly)

I'm in a history course.

A beat.

EMERSON

Just the one?

LIAM

Ya, but it runs from January to January.

SEBASTIAN

So what do you do for the summer?

LIAM

I have loads of time in the summer. It's an online history course. You know those ads you see on TV?

EMERSON

Like, the ones where they make you pay without seeing the syllabus?

LIAM

Totally. It’s pretty official.

PATRICK

(nodding his head)

Okay, okay.

SEBASTIAN

And what are you planning to do with that?

LIAM

(confidently)

I’m not sure yet. I’m really into sports.

Liam points to his Tony Hawk hat.

PATRICK

(straight face)

Okay ya, history and sports. Makes total sense.

LIAM

Ya. I’m gonna be one of those big sports guys on TV, like Stephen A. Smith.

Brooke and Sam stand behind the couch, hiding behind Emerson and covering their faces in embarrassment.

SEBASTIAN

...like the sports journalist?

LIAM

(snaps his fingers)

Exactly. Ya, that’s totally what it is.

PATRICK

And you're in a history course.

LIAM

Exactly.

EMERSON

That goes from January to January.

LIAM

Yup. Stephen makes a lot of money.

PATRICK

(egging him on)

Ya, so, realistically, you will probably end up making even more money than he does.

LIAM

Totally. Probably double.

EMERSON

I mean, probably even triple.

LIAM

Ya, or like… qu… quad….

BROOKE

(embarrassed)

Quadruple.

LIAM

Ya. Thanks, babe.

A beat.

PATRICK

That’s awesome, man! Good for you.

The guys glance at Brooke with a “who the hell is this guy” expression.

LIAM

(super happy)

Thanks, man! You guys are pretty cool!

PATRICK

Alright, man, you too! You guys have fun!

Liam and Brooke go downstairs together and into Harry’s room. Sam stays upstairs. The guys look at each other, confused, as they can assume Harry is unaware of this arrangement.

INT. CHANEL’S ROOM - NIGHT

CHARLOTTE

You always do this just because of a guy.

Chanel opens the door.

CHANEL

I just don’t wanna go out, okay?

Nina walks into the room.

CHARLOTTE

Guys, let's just go without her. Time is wasting! We are young and alive! Let's have fun!

CHANEL

Can you not?

CHARLOTTE

Do you want to hear me yell, Chanel? Cause I can yell real damn loud.

CHANEL

No, I don’t. In fact, I’ve had enough of your constant yelling!

(mocking Charlotte)

“We need to go. We need to get there.” Just shut up!

NINA

Well, now you are yelling, Chanel.

CHANEL

(childish)

Well, I don’t care!

CHARLOTTE

Okay, someone hold me back before I start chucking slippers.

Nina calmly and politely removes Charlotte from the room. Time passes where the girls sit in silence. Suddenly, a slipper is thrown into the room and hits Chanel on the head.

INT. OUTSIDE HARRY’S ROOM - NIGHT

Harry is furiously banging on the door. The rest of the group stands behind him, trying to calm him down.

HARRY

(to Patrick)

Get them out of there right now. I’m serious Pat. You said you had this under control.

SAM

Harry, come on.

HARRY

I don’t want to hear it from you right now, Sam.

EMERSON

Hey, come on, let us take care of this.

HARRY

(banging at door)

That’s it. I’m breaking this thing down.

Harry runs into the door and immediately hits his head and falls to the floor. Sebastian steps over him and opens the door to find Liam naked on his back in Harry’s bed, with Brooke standing over him.

SEBASTIAN

(disgusted)

What the hell is this?

INT. CHARLOTTE’S ROOM - NIGHT

Charlotte is in her bed sulking and listening to hardcore, heavy metal music. She gets up to read a note that is pushed under her door. “Come to my room if you would like to apologize.”

INT. THE GIRLS’ HALLWAY - NIGHT

Charlotte swings open her door to see Chanel lurking in the corner. Chanel acts like she wasn’t just snooping. Chanel has smeared mascara all down her face.

CHANEL

Well?

CHARLOTTE

Are you done crying?

CHANEL

I think so.

CHARLOTTE

I’m sorry I threw a slipper at your head.

CHANEL

I’m sorry for being a jerk.

CHARLOTTE

A dramatic jerk.

CHANEL

Yes, a dramatic jerk.

CHARLOTTE

An attention-stealing jerk.

CHANEL

Don’t push it.

CHARLOTTE

You have to admit, I have impeccable aim.

They giggle.

CHANEL

I’m sorry about your dad.

CHARLOTTE

Hey, it’s not like it’s anything new. Can we go to the guys now?

CHANEL

I think we can.

CHARLOTTE

(yelling)

Nina! We stopped fighting!

NINA

(yelling off-screen)

You are so lucky I didn’t take off my makeup yet!

CHARLOTTE

Ya, Chanel, we gotta fix your face.

INT. HARRY’S ROOM - NIGHT

Harry is continuously banging on the locked door. Sebastian, Emerson, Patrick, Sam, and Brooke stand over Liam.

SEBASTIAN

Brooke, come on, girl. Cover him up.

BROOKE

No. Ew. I’m not doing that.

SEBASTIAN

(bug-eyed and astonished)

Are you kidding me right now? Sam, go get me a towel.

Sam brings a towel from the ensuite bathroom.

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

No, not my towel. Get Harry’s towel.

The two guys cover him and make multiple attempts to wake him up.

EMERSON

(clapping)

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

SEBASTIAN

Come on, man! You’ve got Abraham Lincoln tomorrow! You’ve got the civil war tomorrow, man! You can’t miss that!

EMERSON

(defeated)

What are we going to do with this guy?

SAM

Let’s just leave him here. He will sleep it off and leave in the morning.

EMERSON

Have you seen your cousin right now? There is no way this guy stays here tonight.

BROOKE

Why do you care? It’s not like it's your room.

EMERSON

(stunned)

Wow. To be 16 again.

INT. OUTSIDE HARRY’S ROOM - NIGHT

The girls all walk into the house to see Harry freaking out banging on the door.

HARRY

Open the damn door!

NINA

Harry? What’s going on?

HARRY

I’m going to kill this Liam kid, and then I am going to kill Patrick with a big smile on my face.

NINA

(concerningly)

Who is Liam?

ELLA

Isn’t that the guy who called Chanel “Carlie” during sex?

CHANEL

No, that was Lucas.

INT. HARRY’S ROOM - NIGHT

Patrick enters from the bathroom with a bucket of ice water and pours it on Liam. Liam shoots up confused, but awake. The towel falls to the ground.

PATRICK

Problem solved.

SEBASTIAN

(disgusted)

Ugh. Someone get this guy's underwear.

EMERSON

I ain't touching that.

PATRICK

Liam, my friend. Put on some pants and get out of our house.

Liam stands, puts on his underwear, but immediately falls back on the bed.

EMERSON

Okay, I'm done with this idiot. Someone grab his legs.

Patrick grabs his legs while Emerson takes his arms to form a swing. The two begin to carry him into the hallway.

PATRICK

Hey Brooke, do you want a sec to kiss him goodbye? Or are we all good here?

EXT. THE GUYS’ DRIVEWAY- NIGHT

Patrick and Emerson carry Liam down the driveway and place him on the curb. Liam rests with his head down as Sebastian attempts to order him an Uber.

SEBASTIAN

Where does this guy even live?

Patrick grabs Liam by his hair to lift his head up.

PATRICK

Hey bud, what's your address?

LIAM

I don’t know man.

PATRICK

Can you text someone who might know?

A beat.

LIAM

I can text my roommate! He might know where we live!

PATRICK

(dejected)

Ya... maybe he does.

EMERSON

We can’t just trust that this kid is going to get home safe. Look at him.

Liam is taking an excruciatingly long time to craft a text message and eventually falls onto his side.

PATRICK

We’ll go with him. You stay here and calm down Harry.

EXT. LIAM’S APARTMENT BUILDING- NIGHT

Patrick and Sebastian stand outside a high-rise apartment building, holding Liam up as he hangs off of them. They take a moment to look at each other, and then up at the building.

SEBASTIAN

We gotta see where this clown lives.

INT. LIAM’S APARTMENT BUILDING- NIGHT

Sebastian and Patrick walk through the fancy-looking lobby and help Liam get in the elevator. Liam presses the top floor of the building and pulls out a key to tap in the elevator. Patrick and Sebastian exchange a questioning look.

They reach the top floor and the elevator doors open straight into the living room of Liam’s apartment. It is a massive and modern place with a pool table and a built-in bar. The guys are in shock. Liam stumbles onto the couch and passes out. The guys place a blanket over him.

Patrick and Sebastian look around the apartment in shock, admiring the building.

SEBASTIAN

Night night kiddo.

PATRICK

Good luck with your history course.

INT. THE GUYS’ LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

Harry is standing giving a lecture as everyone, except Patrick and Sebastian, sits on the couch.

HARRY

That was the most disrespectful thing I have ever experienced.

Ella is giggling while Charlotte and Chanel try to keep a straight face.

BROOKE

I said I was sorry Harry.

HARRY

(dramatic)

I don’t want to hear from you right now, child.

SAM

But Harry-

HARRY

(dramatic)

Enough! Child.

BROOKE

I’ll pay you for the mess.

HARRY

What did you just say to me?

Harry goes bug-eyed again and inches closer to Brooke. Ella lights up another joint, unbothered by the situation.

HARRY (CONT’D)

You think this will be fixed with money? I want you to understand respect….

EMERSON

(whispering to Sam under Harry’s yelling)

I’ve seen this guy piss on a cop car before.

HARRY

… I mean, what did you even see in this guy?

EMERSON

Brooke, Brooke. Tell me when...

Emerson places his palms close together and slowly moves them outward to signal how big Liam’s penis is.

EMERSON (CONT’D)

(widening his palms)

Oh wow. Really? Wow! NO? NO WAY!

INT. THE GUYS’ LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

Patrick and Sebastian walk into the front door to see everyone sitting on the couch, except Sam and Brooke.

SEBASTIAN

(dramatically)

Where are the girls?

HARRY

I sent them to bed.

ELLA

Harry grounded them.

NINA

They went to sleep with no supper!

PATRICK

(to Harry)

Are you okay?

HARRY

I don’t think I'm ready to speak upon the incident.

NINA

Okay. Do you guys still want to hang out? Or should we slouch on the couch all night?

PATRICK

I have an idea.

INT. LIAM’S LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

Charlotte and Emerson are playing pool while the group roams around the apartment, drinking. Sebastian is reminiscing the story to Chanel in the most exaggerated way. Patrick and Nina sit on the couch next to Liam.

NINA

How does this guy have all this? Isn't he like 16?

PATRICK

He’s in his first year. Looks like the history course is paying off.

NINA

Pass me one of Liam’s beers.

Patrick takes a beer from the fully stocked mini-fridge.

PATRICK

Here.

NINA

Thanks. I like Liam. He’s an excellent host.

PATRICK

Oh, great lad. He’s going to be like Stephen A. Smith one day.