The Office: Covid-19 Spec Script

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

Michael is wearing a bandana as a mask.

MICHAEL

Things are looking a little different now that Covid-19 is a thing. Panda-demic. Yikes. Thanks, China.

Toby’s gone. If I knew all it took was a pandemic to get rid of Toby, I would have eaten a bat a long time ago.

I have suggested that employees wear masks when they walk around because let's face it, the less of Meredith's face we see, the better.

You know, we are a family here and frankly, I don’t think social distancing should apply to us. I don’t. I can’t bear to be six feet apart from Pam at all times. I’ve had multiple calls with corporate trying to get Stanley back in the office. He must be just miserable without us.

CUT TO: Stanley on Zoom in a Hawaiian shirt, slurping a fruity drink.

INT. MICHAELS OFFICE - DAY

Pam walks into the office wearing a medical mask.

MICHAEL

Ah, you guys remember Pam. Good thing quarantine didn’t get the best of her.

Michael makes a gesture of getting fat and laughs. Pam ignores it.

PAM

Michael, you have that meeting with corporate today about using Zoom. They want to talk to you about the overuse of the mute button. You can’t keep muting Toby, Michael.

MICHAEL

If Toby was here, I would go to a hospital, hug a Covid patient and give Toby Covid on purpose.

Pam doesn’t laugh and leaves. The phone rings.

MICHAEL

Yello? Oh god.

INT. THE OFFICE - DAY

MICHAEL

Okay, nobody panic. There has been an outbreak in the office. I told corporate I wouldn’t say anything. It was Meredith. Meredith has Covid.

ANGELA

Well, where did she get it from?

DWIGHT

It's Meredith. Probably from some gas station Slurpee nozzle.

Angela groans and starts aggressively spraying disinfectant spray in the accounting area, especially all over Kevin.

DWIGHT

It’s okay, everyone. Mose and I have been developing a vaccine approved by the government. We will be exchanging land and goats for those who are desperate to survive.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM

I spent quarantine convincing Dwight that the government needs him to come up with a vaccine. All it took was a sealed letter from the “government” with an attached list of essential ingredients like aluminium, antibiotics, and pancake mix. Not much else to do when sports aren’t on.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT

I personally have been saying for a long time now that we need to get rid of the weak. Fortunately, with my survivalist skills and a black belt in Karate, some disease from a bat does not scare me. Bats are like mice, but with wings. Cats eat mice. I eat Cat.

INT. BREAKROOM - DAY

Andy sits at the table in the breakroom beside Kevin and Jim.

ANDY

I feel great today. Good morning, America! Am I right guys?

JIM

You know that can be a symptom of Covid, right?

Kevin sneezes. Andy throws out his lunch and scurries out of the room. Jim looks to the camera with a classic smirk.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDY

I have been tested 14 times now. It’s just so scary I don’t want my vocal cords to get ruined. I also hate putting things up my nose. Ah, I hate it. I cry every time and the nurses get mad at me.

INT. BREAKROOM - DAY

Kelly and Ryan pass through the break room.

RYAN

But babe, do you know how much money we would make with OnlyFans?

KELLY

I said forget it, Ryan!

Angela walks into the breakroom.

ANGELA

I do not want to stay inside again just because Meredith can’t control her urge to sin. Being six feet apart at all times is the best thing that ever happened to me but staying inside... my cats are going crazy!

KEVIN

I know right. I haven’t left my house in 3 weeks.

ANGELA

I’m glad you are taking this pandemic seriously, Kevin.

KEVIN

Wait, what’s a pandemic?

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

Kevin looks in shock.

KEVIN

I had no idea.

CREED TALKING HEAD

Creed’s eyes dart around the room.

CREED

I have seen 12 unmarked Chinese airplanes spying on us. I’ve been to China. I’ve seen the bat. I don’t trust it. The Spanish Flu must be stopped.

INT. THE OFFICE - DAY

MICHAEL

Hey peeps! People. Friends. Gang.

Silence.

MICHAEL

Meredith claims she hasn’t seen anyone from outside the office, so it came from someone here. I need a record of where everyone has been in the past week.

PHYLISS

Isn’t that a violation of privacy?

MICHAEL

Do you want to get Covid, Phyllis? Because if you get Covid, you are going to die.

PHYLISS

I actually have a pretty good immune system…

MICHAEL

Tell that to your friends at the old age home.

The room groans in an “oh come on, Michael” way.

MICHAEL

Alright, alright! Interviews will be conducted in the conference room in 5 minutes.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

MICHAEL

Hey Ry-guy. Hate to do this buddy but I have to with everyone you know? Boss duties. But think of this more as a friendly chat of two best buds. Where have you gone recently?

RYAN

Just the Pro-Trump rally. Small businesses? No thanks. My concern is more about big businesses. Make America Great Again - Ryan Howard.

MICHAEL

Well alright, then you probably don’t have it.

INT. JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS - DAY

PAM

Dwight, what are you gonna do if you have it?

DWIGHT

I don’t. I have been injecting myself with little bits of every virus every day since I was 10. I already knew of your precious disease way before they released it to the public. You’ll be calling me when the aliens come down to feast on our flesh. You should be fearful, Jim. You couldn’t handle it.

JIM

You’re right. I wouldn’t be able to handle a cold, Dwight.

RYAN TALKING HEAD

RYAN

I got back together with Kelly because of quarantine. That’s pretty much the only reason.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

KELLY

Look, I have 9000 followers on TikTok that I have to impress, and that’s all I’ve been focusing on. Addison Rae is scared I may be talking to Bryce Hall on the side, but I’m like duh I want Noah Beck. Who would ever want Bryce after his whole vape explosion? I’m paying Ryan to be my manager, and if I don’t learn how to do the new dance to Pop Smoke’s new song, I’ll be history! Do you understand me? History!

MICHAEL

You know Kelly, I could be- I could do the dance. Get a little Smokey Pop going? A little retro-grade. Hey-yo!

Michael says while attempting to hit the “woah.”

KELLY

Okay, first of all, it’s renegade. Second of all, that's not even the right dance. Third of all, this isn’t amateur hour! I already tried to teach Andy the WAP dance out of charity.

CUT TO: Kelly counting “5,6,7,8” in the kitchen to teach Andy the dance. Michael sees from afar and runs in and tries to do the splits, ruining it.

INT.THE OFFICE - DAY

MICHAEL Angela, you’re next.

ANGELA

This is ridiculous. Michael, I'm not doing this. How do we know it wasn’t you?

PAM

Ya Michael. Where have you been?

MICHAEL

Only Alfredo’s Pizza Cafe.

PAM

There was just an outbreak there!

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA

It was a total shot in the dark. I didn’t want him to know what I really was doing.

CUT TO: Dwight and Angela dancing in a mud bath with goats.

CLOSING:

INT. MEREDITH'S DESK - DAYS EARLIER

Meredith is sitting at her desk. Michael sneezes into his mask and wipes the mask on her shirt. She looks at him, confused.

MICHAEL

Hey, champ.

She continues staring at him. He awkwardly walks away.