May in October

“May? Please, come in.”

My head shoots up from my twiddling thumbs, digging deep into the opposing nail. I rise from the stretched, unsettling blue couch. Dr. Barren’s name tag clings to the door. I approach it, passing the scattered fake plants along the way. The area transitions from bleak mainstream magazines, to endless rows of thick books.

“It’s good to see you again, May. How are you doing?” Dr. Barren’s glasses cover her sympathetic blue eyes. Her hair is tucked into a low bun, overcompensating for professionalism. She sits across the room, her legs tightly fold over one another.

“It happened again,” I blurt.

“Okay, how did it make you feel this time?”

“Um, I don’t know.” My focus drifts to the stray hairs behind her left ear, attempting to avoid her stare. “I know I deserve better.”

“Tell me what happened. Start from the beginning.”

“Okay. He asked me to get coffee,” I say as my brain trickles into the reminiscent voices of the night.

“Why do you need coffee at 10 o'clock at night?” I asked, overpowering the soft sounds of his playlist.

“Because it’s going to be a long night,” he said.

His endearing eyes glanced over from the dark road and onto me, causing my expectations to heighten.

“Where are we going?”

“Well, where do you want to go?”

His charismatic smile made it seem like he was teasing me, but his face tightened, trying to disguise his unplanned night with spontaneity.

“I don’t know. Isn’t this supposed to be your plan?”

“Right. Yes... The stars?”

“I’ve seen stars before.”

“Okay big shot, you can see them again.”

“We went to a hill, and he pulled out a blanket for us.” A tinge of red flushes to my cheeks as I relive the romantic fantasy. “No one has ever done anything for me like that. I felt… special.” I pause, waiting for an interjection of judgement, but Dr. Barren’s face remains stern, prompting me to go on.

“This is my favourite weather,” I said with my head aimed towards the sky.

We lay on an isolated patch in the middle of the field. Scattered trees surrounded us, acting as a border from the rest of the world. His brown curls fell in between the strains of grass, while hand rested a slight touch away from mine. I could feel the heat radiating from his fingertips.

“Oh, really why’s that?”

“The chills wake your spine.”

“You told me once you wanted to move to California. But there are no chills there.

It’s all sun.”

“You can still get a good chill if you need to... I can’t believe you remembered I said that.” I inadvertently cracked a smile.

“You underestimate me.”

“I could never,” I said, trying to encourage the banter.

“I know there’s a part of you that thinks I am a bad person. I don’t blame you for that.”

My head tilted toward him, but his brown eyes refused to meet mine.

“The world stopped when he spoke to me. Does that make sense? Everything just stopped.”

She examines me, harshly. I look down to see my thumbs digging into each other again.

“May, I think you are romanticizing again. Pay attention to his actions. Let him show you who he is.”

He pulled out a tiny ziplock bag from his blue jean pocket. The white powder shone like pixie dust, reflecting off the stars.

“Do you want some?” he asked with a superficial smirk.

“Okay,” I said timidly, but without hesitation.

“Have you ever done it before?”

“No.”

“I’ll show you.”

He sprinkled the powder onto a lit-up phone screen. He inserted the tip of a rolled hundred-dollar bill into his nostril and swiped it across his screen. His head rushed toward the sky soon after. I followed his lead. The pixie dripped down my throat like gasoline. He watched me indulge like I was his victim following orders. I felt the rush that I deeply craved.

“He told me things that he’s never told anyone. I think I can really help him.”

“Do you feel you need to fix him?”

“Fixing him might fix me too.”

“You don’t need to be fixed, May. You are you, and that is always going to be good enough.”

I feel disappointment projecting from her body as her dainty hand reaches forward and rests on her thigh. I stare for too long before noticing her discomfort. I fantasize about the bleak blue lounge and its empty comfort before realizing I have to continue the story.

“Then he put his hand on my thigh.”

“What are you doing?” I said while jolting away from him.

“What?” he snapped, as if no one had ever asked him that question before.

“What about Michelle?”

“What do you mean ‘what about Michelle’?”

“I think that's a fair question.”

“You were always my first option. You know that. I only have her because I couldn’t get you.”

“So now you think you have me?”

My body shook as the chill transitioned into a sharp pain in my spine, rather than a soothing sting. The sound of my clattering teeth emanated the effect of a thousand sirens drifting through the field.

“May, stop playing these fucking games with me.”

“I didn’t want to be there anymore. I know I deserve better.”

“Why did you stay?”

“I wanted to feel something.” I stay firm, waiting for her to analyze me.

“So, when we feel this way May, it is important to take a breath, ground yourself, and repeat the affirmations we talked about last week. Release all that is unlike love.”

“I tried, Dr. Barren. I really did, but I just went silent.”

“Fucking say something to me, May!” ​My eyes stayed stationed on the stars.

“Jesus. I love you, okay?” he continued.

“What are you talking about?” I said, vigorously suppressing a smile.

“I fucking love you, May.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Pathetic.”

“His words and his actions don't align, which is causing lots of confusion for you.

That’s something that you need to recognize in order to conquer it.”

“I know.”

“It is important in these situations to remember who you are. Don’t lose yourself.”

“I know.”

“You need to set your boundaries, May.”

“I know.”

“I really love you,” he continued, his hand still pounding into my thigh.

“I really like you.”

The silence was creeping in, its presence too deafening to bear.

“I wish I could believe everything you say, but some part of me is telling me not to,” I continued.

“Just trust me, May,” he said while sliding his hand further upwards.

“I know I deserve better.” My thumbs are uncontrollable now. I slice at my nails, unable to look Dr. Barren in the eye.

“I trust you.” I felt his breath, and then the soft touch of his lips upon mine. I tasted​ traces of strawberry lip gloss, likely residue from dear Michelle’s lip.

My eyes settle back on her stray hairs. Her lips are moving, but her voice sounds muffled.

“... Your feelings are valid… You deserve dignity and respect, May...” A tear races down my soft cheek.

“... We shouldn’t accept minimal acts of love…”

The whirlpool of blurry words align in place as the counselling finally stops.

“Does that help you?”

“Yes,” I lie, swiping the tear off my frail cheek.

“Should I book a time for us next week?” she says with a practiced smile. Her pristine white teeth trying so hard to fix the unfixable.

I nod my head while my chest tightens with a dull stabbing sensation. I know I don’t deserve better.